Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
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Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Buying a well is money well spent.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me