[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.