Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
You Might Also Like
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.