My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
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My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.