At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
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Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.