Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
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Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
They’re the worst 😩
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate