Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
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“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires