Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
You Might Also Like
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol