[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.