Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
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*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
that wasn’t the question
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no