Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
You Might Also Like
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao