Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
What is going on? 😅
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play