I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
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me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.