“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
next question.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Fights fire with marshmallows
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
fly smarter, not harder
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.