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90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Selfie
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.