If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
You Might Also Like
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
is this how new cars are made??
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.