If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
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*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
girls literally only want one thing..
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number