gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
my favorite genre of twitter
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
This trial is so absurd 😭
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Respect
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.