Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
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Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.