Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
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I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.