911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
You Might Also Like
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
The government even made aliens boring
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My dress code is business-casualty.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER