A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Festive toon…
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider