judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
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Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it