Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.