what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.