“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.