Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.