Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Thinking about Jeff
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”