Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Hot hot hot 🥵
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.