Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
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This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
True.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.