Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me