People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
#math
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class