Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
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WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Did…did a minotaur write this
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap