“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.