kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
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I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.