Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
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I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank