We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
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My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.