Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I drew y’all a little something.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw