The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
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Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.