Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
#CatsOnTwitter
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.