“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
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What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.