Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
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*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.