Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
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Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING