If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
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One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
thank god
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.