So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.