My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
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Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?