“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!