Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
You Might Also Like
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My teenage children choosing violence
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
tis the season
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society