School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
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In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
🐕🍷
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness