Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
*skinny dips into black hole
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.